From Roots to Reflexes: Discover your Ego

Explore your ego through your roots and the lens of the five u-types

Once upon a time, there were five soldiers.

Year after year, they sat side by side at the frontline, ready for battle. Fully alert and fully armed. The moment any threat appeared, they jumped into action, doing what they do best.

These frontline soldiers were named Observer, Connector, Powerhouse, Backbone, and Achiever. All five shared the same mission: to protect their masters from any type of pain. But their weapons, equipment, pace, and tactics were all completely different.

The Observer diverted attention with creative ideas. The Connector eliminated any potential threats by coming up with ways to connect.

The Powerhouse charged in, ready to strike. The loyal Backbone patrolled deep into the night while everyone else was already home. And the Achiever, who carefully mapped out the most foolproof attack strategies.

These five frontline soldiers are the guardians of our true, vulnerable selves. Whenever we feel threatened, we put up a frontline soldier to shield ourselves from pain.

You have your soldiers too. They were formed long ago, as a buffer between your outer and inner self. After all these years, these soldiers feel so natural to you that you’ve come to believe that’s just who you are. You’ve forgotten that beneath that steel armour, there’s another part of yourself. A part that doesn’t easily come out anymore, because it’s naked and defenceless.

What shaped you into the person you are today?

Let’s trace back to figure out what turned you into the adult you are today.

First off, your parents or caretakers. If they were there for you, both physically and emotionally, you probably learned that you’re worth something, that your thoughts and feelings matter, and that arguments can be settled. But if your parents were physically or emotionally distant, or unpredictable, you might find it tough to handle stress and criticism as an adult, wondering if people actually like you or always struggling to get close to others.

And, of course, where and how you grew up had a big impact. Your culture, for one. But also the place you called home. Did you stay in one spot or were you always on the move? Was your home a safe space, or did you need to watch your back every time you stepped out the door? Did you have a big, tight-knit extended family, or was it just your immediate relatives? And don’t forget those family traditions and chit-chats around the kitchen table. What did you talk about? What got left unsaid? How did you all deal with emotions and tension? How much emphasis was placed on school performance? Being good at sports? Appearance? What do the neighbours think? 

Your role in the family also left its mark. Were you able to just be a carefree kid, or were you loaded up with more responsibilities than you could handle? Did your parents take care of you, or was it the other way around? If, for some reason, you ended up being in the parental role instead of just being able to be the kid, it can sometimes be tough as an adult to accept help or show vulnerability. And where did you fit in with your brothers and sisters? Were you an only child, with all the focus on you? In that case, you likely developed a strong sense of responsibility. Or did you have a sibling who hogged all the attention? In that case, you might’ve become really good at staying within the lines and not causing any trouble.

Negative or bad things that happened when you were a kid can leave a mark, like a history of war, personal boundaries getting crossed, your parents’ split, or losing someone important to you. It could also be the everyday things, like feeling like the odd one out on the playground, dealing with love rejection, being not very good at sports, or having to pinch every penny because your parents were going through financial difficulties. Another significant factor in shaping a person is how they dealt with that hardship. Was it okay to talk about it? Was there room for emotions? Were your feelings taken into consideration? The key is not so much what happened on the outside, but how it affected you on the inside. So, it’s about the effect on you, how you experienced it.

The history of your parents comes into play. Traumas from earlier generations get passed down through your parents’ personalities and parenting style, and they can have a major impact. If your parents had a rough time growing up, it might affect the kind of mom or dad they turned into for you. If they grew up in a time when emotions were mostly hushed-up, they might then find it hard to talk about feelings with you.

From roots to reflexes

What shaped you, still shows up.

The roles you took on as a kid didn’t just vanish. They became patterns. Reflexes. Your front soldiers. Ways to keep the peace. Stay in control. Avoid pain.

That’s your ego at work—quietly stepping in when things get tense.
Not who you are, but who you learned to be.

It made sense, back then. Maybe it still does. But if you want to grow, it’s worth asking: Where does this come from? Is this truly me—or who I learned to be?

Time to meet the five u-types. Let’s take a closer look…

When under pressure, your ego suddenly wakes up and jumps into action. During these moments you put something between you and your heart as a defense: a wall, a quick joke, a rescue mission, a bit of drama, a lecture, a fist, or a claim.

How exactly you pull that off, we call your ‘u-type’. That’s how you learned it in the past, and that’s often still how you do it today.  Your u-type shapes your inner world – how you think, feel, and experience things – and your outer world – your behaviour.

The ego’s a tough one. Even though it’s only a part of you, it sometimes acts like it’s running the whole show. And the thing is, you don’t even realise it.

In this article, we’re introducing you to five different frontline soldiers, or ‘u-types’.

So, first up, let’s meet the Observer – the creative brain of the crew. Observers like to keep their distance when there’s drama and complicated emotions in the group. They see the world from their own safe perspective.

Next in line is the Connector – the social butterfly of the u-types. They always know exactly how everyone is feeling and what they need. Everyone wants a Connector around. But what’s really going on in their own world?

Now, let’s talk about the Powerhouse – the u-type that stands out right away in any group. The fearless leader with a goal-oriented, no-nonsense approach. One way or another, the Powerhouse gets things done.

Moving on to the Backbone, the reliable workhorse of the crew. Loyal and responsible, like Atlas, they carry the weight of the world on their shoulders. Backbones are the ones you can always count on.

And – last but not least – the Achiever – the perfectionist with an iron will. The starplayer of the crew, with an enormous drive for success. Achievers are admirable but sometimes a bit intimidating.

Can you picture them already? Spot any familiar traits in yourself? Below, we give a description of each of the five types. First, what they excel at, then what they find challenging, and finally, what each u-type has to learn.

The Observer

What you excel in
You’re a creative and original thinker with lots of ideas and ideals. Observing the world from a distance, you possess a broad perspective that allows you to see possibilities others might miss. Your out-of-the-box thinking makes you an interesting person for others to talk to, they always learn something. You thrive in conversations about less personal topics, such as work, the future, big themes, or bright ideas. People enjoy talking to you and admire your originality, vision, and creativity.

You prefer not to make hasty decisions. After all, there are so many perspectives to consider. People attempting to force things can be counterproductive. You’re always filled with dreams and ideas, but turning them into action can be a challenge. You tend to overestimate possibilities — or underestimate the risks.

What you find challenging
Stepping out of your world of thoughts and connecting with others isn’t always easy. Sometimes, you may doubt if you truly belong or feel entirely comfortable in groups. Discussing these feelings or expressing your true emotions can be very uncomfortable for you.

You justify yourself with thoughts like: Independence is my biggest strength or I don’t need to fit in or It’s better to avoid drama and emotions. Occasionally, you may even bring yourself down with thoughts like Nobody truly understands me, so why bother explaining myself?

What you have to learn
Staying in your familiar thought world is tempting. But if you want to learn how to connect more, you first have to acknowledge that your thought world, while comfortable and interesting, also is an escape from reality. You need to learn to show yourself. Only then can you discover that you are genuinely welcome just as you are, without needing to impress others with your brilliant ideas or creative perspectives. You can learn to find a better balance between observing and participating. To truly participate, you need to learn to “welcome yourself”, including all your quirks, frustrations, and uncertainties.

The Connector

What you excel in
You easily connect with everyone you meet. In your world, everyone belongs. With a finely-tuned social radar, you’re highly sensitive to atmosphere and emotion. You have a special gift for tuning into people, resonating with their emotions. If something stirs in a group, you’re the one who can pinpoint it precisely. It’s easy – and irresistible – for you to step into someone else’s shoes.

Getting along with everyone is your superpower. Put you in a room full of people, and you’ll have spoken to everyone in no time. You’re easygoing, caring and endlessly attentive to others. What’s good for the whole, is good for you. You prioritise others’ feelings before your own.

What you find challenging
At times, people wonder what you actually think and want. You’re so afraid of hurting people and being left alone that you don’t even ask yourself what you truly want. Actually you’re not sure. When people ask, your response is often “it doesn’t matter” or “you decide”. Navigating your own course is something you haven’t really learned. It’s tough for you to show yourself and be outspoken when you’re not sure of your own thoughts and desires. Let alone confront others about it. You might have thoughts like: How will this go down in the group? Or: What would so-and-so think? Occasionally, you sabotage yourself with thoughts like: I just don’t want to end up alone. Or: My opinion doesn’t matter.

What you have to learn
Your growth lies in learning to choose for yourself. The thing is that you deeply believe that choosing for yourself might hurt others and might lead to rejection. And that’s the last thing you want because, imagine, they might leave you! So, first things first, you need to face the painful truth that, essentially, you are indeed on your own. You need to find your own path, develop your interests, and spread your wings. What you need to learn is to find a better balance between together and alone. Learn to be true to yourself, even if it means not meeting everyone’s expectations.

The Powerhouse

What you excel in
When you enter the room, the lights come on. You stand out, capture attention, and carry a natural air of authority and leadership. You’re the person others lean on when the storm hits. Steadfast, decisive, and focused on the task at hand. While the Connector focuses on relationships, you’re all about the task. Your strength lies in making decisions and getting things off the ground. People respect you — and you take responsibility with courage and clarity.

At your core, your drive to be strong isn’t really about yourself — even though it may look that way. It’s for something bigger: your team’s success, your family’s wellbeing, the mission at hand. You thrive on big challenges. One way or another, you make it happen. And by taking up a lot of space, you keep others at a distance.

What you find challenging
Considering others’ feelings doesn’t come naturally; you’re laser-focused on the task. What you haven’t learned is to show your vulnerability. Your primary need is the help and support of others, yet inherent to this u-type is that you don’t experience it this way. After all, you’re strong, and therefore, you don’t need help.

You justify yourself with thoughts like: I can only trust myself. Ultimately, I can do it better than anyone else. Even though this might make you feel a bit lonely, you maintain the pattern with thoughts like: I don’t have real weaknesses or vulnerabilities, so why bother looking for them?

What you have to learn
You can only truly learn when your heart opens, primarily to yourself. Maybe it helps to acknowledge that it’s quite lonely at the top. Recognise that you have few truly equal relationships. You need to learn to trust the world again. Let other people stand beside you, and resist the tendency to elevate yourself above them. You can learn to find a better balance between strength and vulnerability.

The Backbone

What you excel in
You’re always there for others and never leave anyone hanging. You stand by people when times gets tough, quietly taking on their burden. Or you pick up a significant task that no one else wants. Big responsibilities are safe with you, and somehow you’re drawn  to them.

You’re an excellent sparring partner when it comes to big human themes, always asking the right questions, without ever taking over. People love opening up to you about everything happening in their lives. You don’t take much space for your personal thoughts and feelings. You’re endlessly loyal, deeply reliable, and you never say “no”.

What you find challenging
Because you carry so much, there’s little room for lightness and joy. Aimless enjoyment only brings a feeling of guilt. You have limited space for yourself as a person. You don’t consider yourself all that important. Your own wants, thoughts, and feelings are buried deep within, resulting in a lot of suppressed emotions, as if the handbrake is always on. And since you never say no, you eventually become overloaded.

You justify yourself with thoughts like: Just swallow it and keep going. Or: Someone has to do it, right? Often, you have resentful thoughts like: Once again, I’m the one doing it again. Or: ust leave me to it.

What you have to learn
Your primary need is the freedom to be who you want to be, to choose what you like and don’t like. To just set the world aside and find some peace. However, the pressure to keep carrying is big. Ask yourself what truly makes you happy and what bothers you. What is simply too much for you? What do you really say yes to, and to what do you say no? Give yourself permission to enjoy, not only after all the work is done. You can learn to find a better balance between carrying and enjoying.

The Achiever

What you excel in
You have a vibrant, contagious energy. You love perfection – it gives you a sense of peace and security when everything is under control. People trust you because you’re the one with the overview. You are realistic and forward-thinking, you don’t get distracted easily. Your high degree of social flexibility and awareness of the impact of your words ensures that conversations go exactly as you want them to. At the same time, you stay away from vulnerability and keep your cards close to your chest. Individuals with this u-type often make excellent leaders. You keep raising the bar – and others follow your lead. You set high standards for yourself, both personally and professionally, perhaps even higher than for others.

What you find challenging
Your primary — but unconscious — need is to give and receive love, kindness, and warmth. However, this isn’t something you naturally bring out in others. Your distant, sometimes even a bit inaccessible attitude doesn’t immediately call up warmth. To break this pattern, you need to learn to deal with imperfections in yourself, others, and life in general. This can be challenging for you because inside, you have a relentless critic, constantly reminding you that you and the rest of the world don’t meet the standard.

You justify yourself with thoughts like: Told you so. I’m always right. Or: You can’t take emotional people seriously. But you can also hinder yourself with thoughts like: What will they think of me if it goes wrong?

What you have to learn
A new belief needs to grow — that you have much less control, and therefore, less direction over life than you think. And that’s perfectly okay because imperfections, doubts, and mistakes are part of life. This belief will make you gentler with yourself and more humane toward those around you. In exchange for your iron grip, you’ll gain more intimacy, depth in relationships, and relaxation. You can learn to find a better balance between control and letting go.

The Trouble with Changing What You’ve Just Discovered

In this article, you’ve taken a long, honest look at yourself. You’ve opened up. Revisited old memories. Turned your ego inside out. And? How’s that going — breaking those persistent patterns now that you’ve seen them so clearly?

Not so easy, right?
That’s because your brain is a big fan of the status quo. It loves it when things stay exactly the same. Feedback? Fascinating. Childhood patterns? Intriguing. Your ego type? Spot on. As long as nothing actually has to change, it’s all good.

“Ah, so this is how I’m wired — and now I even understand where it comes from.”
Great. Done, right?

Well… not quite.

Because what’s the use of waking up — only to lull yourself right back to sleep with comforting self-knowledge?

Yes, awareness is where it starts. But awareness alone won’t cut it. The real shift doesn’t come from insight itself, but from what happens after.

How many times have you promised yourself you’d go to the gym more often, stop binge-watching, and become your wisest, most enlightened self — only to end up horizontal on the couch with a bag of chips, yelling at customer service because your Wi-Fi is slow?

Humans don’t love change. We like our well-worn mental goat paths — even when they hold us back, hurt us, or honestly just bore the hell out of us.

They’re still our goat paths. They feel familiar. Safe. It’s like those old sneakers you refuse to throw out. The ones with holes in the soles and a smell you try not to think about. But they fit. You know them. You trust them. So you keep wearing them.

And that’s okay. Most of the time, you don’t have to change. Acceptance often gets you further than transformation.

But… what if there’s one thing you could change? One deeply ingrained habit or belief that’s actually holding you back?

What pattern in your behavior or thinking would you like to break?
And what would you have to let go of in order to do it?
Maybe it’s the voice that says it’s never good enough.
That everyone has to like you.
That you always have to win.

Those are your worn-out mental sneakers.
Yes, they stink. Yes, they leak when it rains.
But hey — they’re familiar.

Still… you could also take them off.